Curiosity Killed the Cat Eh

Ever get that urge to write? Or to read a book? I used to read all the time. Every night before bed with my bedside lamp on, I snuggled into bed escaping into another world. Oh to get lost in a book. I haven't done that in a while. I've been corrupt with my computer, spending endless hours on facebook or reddit. People who spend more time on the computer are more depressed. But sometimes and sadly sometimes  a computer will comfort me. 

I laid in my bed last night trying to regain warmth from my night. My senses were heightend  and I had to keep thinking good thoughts. My room, my nest, made me feel like a speckle. Alone and cold. So cold inside and out. An image of a devil kept popping up from bloodbath aka mudbath. I put on macklmore's new album. A situation where my computer was my source of keeping my trip in tact. I hated being alone. It let my thoughts spurradically  reach all corners of my mind. I hate when my thoughts, or I guess my conscious does that.

 It's amazes me how we have two seperate voices. One in our head and one vocally. They don't always correlate, or at least in my case my conscious speaks louder that the words I speak. I try to be a good person, and I try to make people feel significant and feel like a somebody, not a nobody. I feel bad for people easily and I blame my self for a lot. It's not that I pity people, it's more of being easily sympathetic. And I blame myself because its easier for me to put the blame on me than to force blame upon someone else. I get lost in my head a lot. I drift off and just think about shit, good and bad. Sometimes i'll have panic attacks in my head. I start freaking out and have to think good thoughts. I dunno, recently I've just been feeling out of it. Out of my flow, out of my body, and out of my mind. Once again I feel so alone in this world. I still wonder what I'm doing. I stress about what lies ahead for me. I feel like a number. I have ambitions to do something fanfuckingtastic but what? College should be a place to get steps closer to your dream. I feel like its just shutting me down. And then there is pressure to get a degree that opens doors for a decent if not more than decent salary. I'm still nineteen and scared to death to turn twenty. My teens are over. Thirteen though nineteen, twenty is too old for me. 

Do you ever feel like if you didn't filter your thoughts and said everything on your mind people would think you're crazy? I hate caring what people think but I think it's human nature to care somewhat. I guess I wish I could let loose more. Fukcing anxiety gets to me. Or I feel really awkward for no reason. This guy, lets call him Bear. He keeps telling me I'm worth it. I don't get why he likes me. Does he just like having a girl around or does he actually like me? He's waited around for a while and just keeps telling me I'm worth it. What am I worth? I keep finding myself more attached him. I guess things will fall into place if he puts up with me.