"remember when you broke your wrist?"
"no"
This was the conversation between by grandma and grandpa. To express how old he is...well lets just say he doesn't remember breaking a part of his body. On January 6th, I turn 20 and my grandpa turns 80. Until this year he was still running his own buisness he started about 20 years ago. I would describe my grandpa as an old fashioned working montana cowboy. He is legit. Sometimes I wonder what goes on inside his aged mind.
I guess I'm just here to reflect on life. Man I really got to come back here when I'm higaha (read first post ever for reference). Anyways, I am currently sitting on my grandmas awful skin colored chair that hurts my tailbone. My grandparents and mom were all in bed by 9pm. I am bored. Bored in a bittersweet way. The last few weeks of school were stressful. I really need to spend more time at the library. I have to wait until friday to go back to zoola. It's grown on me. I hated it so much my first semester. I wanted to transfer to Portland State and be with my brother. But I am happy I stayed in the small town even if it meant not having a good relationship with my brother. I hope my little brother comes to Missoula. I think he would like it and I could help him out and be the big sister I never was to him. I could make up for all those years of being not just mean, but cruel. I don't know why I was so bad to him, but I remember he made unbelievable angry somtimes. I think I used to be an angry person. I used to get mad at my mom too. I even made her cry when I was 15 or 16 because I kept critisizing her. But this was also when I went through some depression, not that it is an excuse, but did shape my attidude towards a lot. Bad times my friend, bad times.
In this very town I am in now, Lakeside, I tried to get over my depression but it just made it worse. I had no friends, no life, no motivation, no goals, and I cried. I cried a lot and whenever I did I was alone, out in this cabin I sit in now. I just felt unhappy. My grandma was the only positive person I had living with me. Everyone back home thought I was so brave for doing my "study abroad" in montana. It was a bad expierence but still an expierence and it helped me mature alot. I went from being angry to unhappy to hey maybe life will work out. And so far its kind of falling into place. I think I am a good person and I care about people, even if I don't know that well. I like to make people happy and comfortable even though I can be awkward and shy myself.
I don't really know where the topic of this post is going and if anyone ever does read this for some reason, I'm sorry how disorganized it is. But I guess thats how my mind works sometimes. These are just the thoughts in my head I like to write for the sake of writing. Even if you're not a good writer, just writing makes you better. So let it all out. Jam out with my clam out. just kidding this is more like word vomit. chunks of everything on paper..or the screen? I actually have puked on my computer.
Anyways since I am so disorganized here, I'm going to change subject and try to write about love.? So this guy..I called him bear in my last post. well same guy. I guess were boyfriend and girlfriend. I told my mom about him and no doubt I like this guy. but do I love him? how will I know when I do? He already told me he loves me but i can't say it back right now. It kind of freaked me out. He also has asked twice if he can call me his girlfriend. I feel like a bad person for making him wait so long because this is a good guy who makes me laugh and feel good about myself yet I'm having trouble letting him in. I hate to say it but part of me wants to stay single. I like the single life. It's exciting and has no restraints. I still want to be able to live and not be tied down to a guy. I want to go out and explore, find out more about myself, try new things, and be independent. But I really don't want to loose this guy. I think he is great. And I do enjoy being with him for the most part. Sometimes I think we don't have enough in common and that worries me. I like his friends too. They don't see me as a friend but I still like being around them. They are all good people. And this guy bear, he cares for me. and I do care for him. I'm just scared and call me a wuss because that is what I am being.
I feel like I kind of messed up sleeping with his roomate. It just adds this strange vibe. Sometimes I think what would have happend if I ended up with his roomate and never slept with bear. It was weird how he went after me after being with his roomate. Theres nothing to do now and I really shouldnt think about that. But somtimes I feel like maybe his roomate did want something. Probaly just in my dumb head because he's got girls and I'm just another knot on his rope. pretty good saying for the situation. but yeah, I remember when I first hung out with him i was like man this guy is too good looking for me. and bear on the otherhand is like me. more average. just your average joe.
Right now though, I do miss him. I wish I could lay down with him and fall asleep against his warm body. I like it when he kisses me before I fall asleep and right when I wake up. I like it when he calls me a goober or laughs at me being the dork he noramlly is. I like it when he talks to stangers and how easy it is for him. I like it when he tries to make me have a good time. And how he doesnt get mad at anything i've dont including sleeping with 3 other guys since I've slept with him. He didnt care and he still likes me. how cool is that.I like how he likes my body and has urges to make out with me since I wouldnt let him kiss me in front of other people. But that changing now. who am I kidding this guy is growing on me like mold grows on cheese. It took a while to start but once it starts it spreads all over. I guess my question to you casey. yes you. what the hell is holding you back. And i still cant figure that out.
