LAKEbymySIDE

"remember when you broke your wrist?"
"no"

       This was the conversation between by grandma and grandpa. To express how old he is...well lets just say he doesn't remember breaking a part of his body. On January 6th, I turn 20 and my grandpa turns 80. Until this year he was still running his own buisness he started about 20 years ago. I would describe my grandpa as an old fashioned working montana cowboy. He is legit. Sometimes I wonder what goes on inside his aged mind.
       I guess I'm just here to reflect on life. Man I really got to come back here when I'm higaha (read first post ever for reference). Anyways, I am currently sitting on my grandmas awful skin colored chair that hurts my tailbone. My grandparents and mom were all in bed by 9pm. I am bored. Bored in a bittersweet way. The last few weeks of school were stressful. I really need to spend more time at the library. I have to wait until friday to go back to zoola. It's grown on me. I hated it so much my first semester. I wanted to transfer to Portland State and be with my brother. But I am happy I stayed in the small town even if it meant not having a good relationship with my brother. I hope my little brother comes to Missoula. I think he would like it  and I could help him out and be the big sister I never was to him. I could make up for all those years of being not just mean, but cruel. I don't know why I was so bad to him, but I remember he made unbelievable angry somtimes. I think I used to be an angry person. I used to get mad at my mom too. I even made her cry when I was 15 or 16 because I kept critisizing her. But this was also when I went through some depression, not that it is an excuse, but did shape my attidude towards a lot. Bad times my friend, bad times.
              In this very town I am in now, Lakeside, I tried to get over my depression but it just made it worse. I had no friends, no life, no motivation, no goals, and I cried. I cried a lot and whenever I did I was alone, out in this cabin I sit in now. I just felt unhappy. My grandma was the only positive person I had living with me. Everyone back home thought I was so brave for doing my "study abroad" in montana. It was a bad expierence but still an expierence and it helped me mature alot. I went from being angry to unhappy to hey maybe life will work out. And so far its kind of falling into place. I think I am a good person and I care about people, even if I don't know that well. I like to make people happy and comfortable even though I can be awkward and shy myself.
    I don't really know where the topic of this post is going and if anyone ever does read this for some reason, I'm sorry how disorganized it is. But I guess thats how my mind works sometimes. These are just the thoughts in my head I like to write for the sake of writing. Even if you're not a good writer, just writing makes you better. So let it all out. Jam out with my clam out. just kidding this is more like word vomit. chunks of everything on paper..or the screen? I actually have puked on my computer.
      Anyways since I am so disorganized here, I'm going to change subject and try to write about love.? So this guy..I called him bear in my last post. well same guy. I guess were boyfriend and girlfriend. I told my mom about him and no doubt I like this guy. but do I love him? how will I know when I do? He already told me he loves me but i can't say it back right now. It kind of freaked me out. He also has asked twice if he can call me his girlfriend. I feel like a bad person for making him wait so long because this is a good guy who makes me laugh and feel good about myself yet I'm having trouble letting him in. I hate to say it but part of me wants to stay single. I like the single life. It's exciting and has no restraints. I still want to be able to live and not be tied down to a guy. I want to go out and explore, find out more about myself, try new things, and be independent. But I really don't want to loose this guy. I think he is great. And I do enjoy being with him for the most part. Sometimes I think we don't have enough in common and that worries me. I like his friends too. They don't see me as a friend but I still like being around them. They are all good people. And this guy bear, he cares for me. and I do care for him. I'm just scared and call me a wuss because that is what I am being.
     I feel like I kind of messed up sleeping with his roomate. It just adds this strange vibe. Sometimes I think what would have happend if I ended up with his roomate and never slept with bear. It was weird how he went after me after being with his roomate. Theres nothing to do now and I really shouldnt think about that. But somtimes I feel like maybe his roomate did want something. Probaly  just in my dumb head because he's got girls and I'm just another knot on his rope. pretty good saying for the situation. but yeah, I remember when I first hung out with him i was like man this guy is too good looking for me. and bear on the otherhand is like me. more average. just your average joe.
     Right now though, I do miss him. I wish I could lay down with him and fall asleep against his warm body. I like it when he kisses me before I fall asleep and right when I wake up. I like it when he calls me a goober or laughs at me being the dork he noramlly is. I like it when he talks to stangers and how easy it is for him. I like it when he tries to make me have a good time. And how he doesnt get mad at anything i've dont including sleeping with 3 other guys since I've slept with him. He didnt care and he still likes me. how cool is that.I like how he likes my body and has urges to make out with me since I wouldnt let him kiss me in front of other people. But  that changing now. who am I kidding this guy is growing on me like mold grows on cheese. It took a while to start but once it starts it spreads all over. I guess my question to you casey. yes you. what the hell is holding you back. And i still cant figure that out.

Curiosity Killed the Cat Eh

Ever get that urge to write? Or to read a book? I used to read all the time. Every night before bed with my bedside lamp on, I snuggled into bed escaping into another world. Oh to get lost in a book. I haven't done that in a while. I've been corrupt with my computer, spending endless hours on facebook or reddit. People who spend more time on the computer are more depressed. But sometimes and sadly sometimes  a computer will comfort me. 

I laid in my bed last night trying to regain warmth from my night. My senses were heightend  and I had to keep thinking good thoughts. My room, my nest, made me feel like a speckle. Alone and cold. So cold inside and out. An image of a devil kept popping up from bloodbath aka mudbath. I put on macklmore's new album. A situation where my computer was my source of keeping my trip in tact. I hated being alone. It let my thoughts spurradically  reach all corners of my mind. I hate when my thoughts, or I guess my conscious does that.

 It's amazes me how we have two seperate voices. One in our head and one vocally. They don't always correlate, or at least in my case my conscious speaks louder that the words I speak. I try to be a good person, and I try to make people feel significant and feel like a somebody, not a nobody. I feel bad for people easily and I blame my self for a lot. It's not that I pity people, it's more of being easily sympathetic. And I blame myself because its easier for me to put the blame on me than to force blame upon someone else. I get lost in my head a lot. I drift off and just think about shit, good and bad. Sometimes i'll have panic attacks in my head. I start freaking out and have to think good thoughts. I dunno, recently I've just been feeling out of it. Out of my flow, out of my body, and out of my mind. Once again I feel so alone in this world. I still wonder what I'm doing. I stress about what lies ahead for me. I feel like a number. I have ambitions to do something fanfuckingtastic but what? College should be a place to get steps closer to your dream. I feel like its just shutting me down. And then there is pressure to get a degree that opens doors for a decent if not more than decent salary. I'm still nineteen and scared to death to turn twenty. My teens are over. Thirteen though nineteen, twenty is too old for me. 

Do you ever feel like if you didn't filter your thoughts and said everything on your mind people would think you're crazy? I hate caring what people think but I think it's human nature to care somewhat. I guess I wish I could let loose more. Fukcing anxiety gets to me. Or I feel really awkward for no reason. This guy, lets call him Bear. He keeps telling me I'm worth it. I don't get why he likes me. Does he just like having a girl around or does he actually like me? He's waited around for a while and just keeps telling me I'm worth it. What am I worth? I keep finding myself more attached him. I guess things will fall into place if he puts up with me. 

I've now lived a complete year in Amurica. Not to mention a complete year since I've written here. I took two writing classes this year, poetry and creative non-fiction. It's not that I want to be writer, its more of a skill I want to pick up and a way to reflect and sort out my thoughts. The classes we not mind blowing, but passable with minimal effort. A type of class I like to incorporate into my schedule.My first teacher was Noel Tague. I thought she was a guy as a searched for her office trying to enroll in the class three weeks late from my "Love; In Bombay Bollywood". I could not sit through another three hour movie consisting of the same plots and horrendous music. I respect other cultures but this did not acquire my taste. Poetry was a lot easier and caught my short attention span. My creative non fiction teacher was a student herself and that become more and more relevant everyday. I heard much more insightful comments from other students. I wrote the only three assignments the night before they were due. I did not impress her. Honestly though, I just could not find any inspiration. Well I'll post some of the things I wrote.